Max I miss you. I have been thinking of writting every night. I have no excuse I just have not! Sorry my little love.

I continue to miss you over and over. More and more. Now that we are doing this again, things have been very similar to you and it's super scary. A vanishing twin, placenta is in the same position, just brings me back to you and scares me.

Tomorrow I have to go to a lunch about you. Well an appreciation lunch where I will be acknowledged. Max first of all I really am shy, but second I don't want any acknowledgment for your memorial fundraiser, I do it for you no matter what. It's tomorrow and I just said yes today because someone I know asked me personally. I still may change my mind tomorrow.

I feel like sometimes life with out you gets harder when I feel like I'm suspossed to act like its eaiser.

Good night sweet boy

Max I remember this evening, by now I started having some contractions from being induced. I was excited, I was going to have you sometime in the next 24 hours. I was happy.

I have been happy since, but not the way I was before. My breakdowns have begun and I'm breaking. The good thing about being so busy is not thinking. The bad thing is those emotions still come and they it catch up fast and it hits hard.

I miss you so much it hurts. Tomorrow you turn two, my love.

Max the days are dwindling down and my chest is filled with so much sadness, and a void. Your missing. 3 more days until your birthday my little boy.

Your birthday is in 4 days. Bitter sweet my love.

Max your party was awesome! I was so worried and stressed but it was perfect. I live you so much Max. So far I have collected so many diapers in your memory as well as other baby thing! I love you. I miss you.

Max my love, your second birthday is coming up and I miss you SO much! I have not been writing but mainly because Im always sad. Max baby I'm pregnant again, and with the same embryos that were made when we got you! I feel like there your twins. It's early I'm only 4 weeks 6 days . Right now I don't know if its one or two. All I know is I'm scared and exictied. I feel like it could all be a repeat and the sane thing happens to this new ones you. I need this baby to be alright and mainly because this new one is literally connected to you.

Your donation drive is going ok, last year was better with supplies but the love and support this year is amazing.

Max I miss you more then I can describe .

I love you!

Hi baby boy I have been seeing lots of toads. I was getting worried because I did not see any. Once I started to work on your fundraiser they started to come. I miss you so much and those little toads make me so happy.

I really miss you and this year the fundraiser is hard. I feel like people are going to not care. As time goes by no one will want to participate any more. Then what do I do?

I love you. I Miss you. I need you.

Missing you and everything that I should have with you. Your sister is awesome but I still wish you were here with us.

I started working on your birthday fundraising flyer and wow I'm having a hard time. Did not realize that 2 months away would bring up so much. I was looking at your photos and I really miss you. All I have are 3 of you alive. The rest you are gone. Just really missing you and struggling a lot. But I'm the great pretender it's what info. I will get through for you. No one knows how hard this still is. A piece of me is missing. Alex is so great but I look at your pictures and then her. I see you in her so much and I just wonder, what if! What would you be like.

I miss you. I miss the toads. I need you.

I love you.

Angel lips

Will you come to me when I'm sleeping. Will you visit me in my dreams.Will you touch my checks with angel lips. Will you butterfly kiss me in the night. Will you whisper that you love me and tell me everything's all right.

In my every waking moment I know that your not here. I would give my last breath just to hold your little body and to pull you near.

Will you come to your sister when she's lying in your room. Will you watch her grow and whisper in the night. Can she see you even though I can't. Do you hold her hand when she's dreaming. Do you kiss her checks with butterfly flutters.

Do you know I love you. Do you miss me to. Will you hold my hand as I walk through life. Do you feel my tears as I cry.

Can you see that your daddy is breaking but try's to be so strong. Will you visit him in the nighttime when the nights seem so long. Can you visit him in his dreams, will you kiss him with your angel lips.

Will you come to me when I'm sleeping. Will you visit me in my dreams. Will you touch my checks with angel lips. Will you butterfly kiss me in the night. Will you whisper that you love me and tell me everything's all right.

Will you stay with me my baby, stay with me tonight.

Hi baby boy. Missing you. Just wanted to send you some Sunday love. Hope heaven is perfect and you are happy.

another mothers day approaching.

Max my dear dear Max.

Another mothers day is approaching. Its tomorrow. I was doing ok. Then BAM here I am a big giant emotional mess. Maybe next year will be eaiser. Next year Alex wont be new and people wont assume its my first mothers day. Max every day is mothers day, because i am always your mother. But this day that is supposed to be dedicated to me, does not see fair. Im missing one of my babys and even though I have your amazing sister, i am broken.

Max I was asked to write a letter, for UNITE. Thats the support group. Its to get donations for the non-profit. It was hard to keep it short. I could have written so much about how everything has impacted me.

This is what I wrote..........

August 16^th 2011 should have been the best day of my life, the day my son, my first born, my Max was brought into the world. Instead it was the worst day of my life. The day my first born died. He was born at 1140am and died 54mins later at 1234pm. My husband and I had several miscarriages. So after lots of heartache we decided to pursue fertility treatment. My son was an IVF baby, he was my joy. The pregnancy was amazing and I loved every moment of it.  He was full term and I was induced at 41 weeks.  I ended up having to have a c-section. He came out crying but then the silence came. I knew all throughout my body, that something was wrong. They took him away. That was the last I ever saw of Max alive.  That was the day a part of me died as well. I will never forget that moment, that feeling. As I write this my body trembles. The doctors and nurses walked in, I saw them and I knew. Because of the C-section I could not move, but all I wanted to do was run, run fast and far. Never come back. I wanted to die. I wanted to go get him. I wanted to turn back time. I wanted none of this to be real.

 My life changed forever in a moment.  

I will never be the same person I was before 12:34 pm on August 16^th. Nothing will ever be the same.  However I knew that I did not want to live the rest of my life miserable all the time. I did not want to be unable to get out of bed, avoid life I would have felt like that’s because of max. I never wanted to live that way. I wanted Max to always be a positive source in my life. I did not want Max to be the reason I can’t function. I wanted to be able to live for him. Believe me it would have been much easier to give up. At times I wanted to, and to be honest sometimes I still want to go in a hole.  But I had to fight to stay afloat and live for my baby.  I looked around for help; I called a counselor and reached out to support groups. Unite was the only one that got back to me right away. I remember the return phone call. I was standing outside in my back yard and was in shock, that I was telling someone over the phone why I was looking for help. That this was real!  I remember crying but also being comforted and knew in that phone call that I was understood. I decided to go to my first support group. I was terrified and had no idea what to expect. It was very emotionally draining, but also reliving.  It was a place I could go to where, someone would understand-Where my crazy emotions where ok.  I continued to go and almost looked forward to them. I knew whether it’s just one other person or a room full of people I would be understood. For about an hour I had a place I belonged in a world where I no longer fit in.

Unite for me was not just a support group. It was way life jacket.  I was able to meet incredibly strong families and other moms like me. Some of those mothers I am still in touch with and see on a regular basis. I have been united with a continuous support group. This struggle and grief never goes away completly.  Despite what people say time does not heal all wounds. The intensity gets easier to manage but the grief does not go away. Because of Unites support, the connection to other moms I have met. I now have a place/someone to turn to on days when missing my son seems unbearable. I know I will be understood. I know I have a place that I belong.  Because of Unites Support group and resources I have been able to not give up and keep my head above water to live-for Max.

Thank you,

Suzanne, Shane, Alex and of course Max

Oh Max something that is bugging me is..........i was given some tadpoles and I was so excited to raise tadpoles and have lots of little Max frogs in the back yard. But they all died. Im awful. I feel awful. I guess I cant control when I get frogs/toads from you.  I miss you so much. 

I hope I get a sign that things are ok right now.  a sign form you. I miss and need you. 

Please come down and send your daddy support. Please.,.I love you.

Today is good.

Max I wanted to write you because right now, this weekend Im not falling a part. Things are ok right now. Your tree is blooming. Its beautiful. The tulips around it are up. Your daddy fixed your bench, and it was a beautiful weekend to sit by it. I have been obsessed with house projects. I think that has been a distraction. Good or bad I dont know but a distraction.

Max I found out yesterday that someone donated in your name last year. I dontknow who they are. That is amazing and means so much. Max you are amazing!

Max I love you. I miss you. But today im not dwelling in sadness. Today I am ok.

Carpenter ants

Ahhhhhhhh 20 months later and I still get so upset, jealous, or I guess it's a constant reminder of loss. Even with your amazing healthy sister I'm so worked up over people being pregnant. A college friend has a boy around your age and is pregnant now. She's having a girl but someone stayed that she is truly blessed to experience both. Yes she is. But with that sentence floods me with emotion that I hope others will never experience. I feel so selfish and unkind. I'm happy for others but lost with out you.

Life is hard right now. I have to keep it all together. Always. If I don't your dad falls apart. I can't fall apart but I am, from the inside out. I feel like the tree in the backyard. It's being eaten by carpenter ants. Looks healthy and strong on the outside but slowly rotting and dying. Afraid of the wind.

Your sister just woke up. It's a 1110 pm I need to go help her. I love her. I love you

Max I continue to struggle. I'm missing you. Today you would be 20 months. My hands should be full. I should be frustrated and tired. Chasing you around and watching Alex. I wish I could let go. But I can't. I'm hurting and I'm empty.
But your sister is amazing. Because of her I have life and reason. I have her because of you. My today's and tomorrow's are dedicated to you,

Hi max.
I thought about you a lot this weekend. My heart still hurts so much. Your tree started to bloom.

Your sister gave me life again. She is healing. But sometimes I look at her and just cry. Missing you, and what it should have been. Also a friends baby who is the same age as you makes me sad but also SO happy. I look at him and see what you should be doing. It's bitter sweet, hard but still sweet and amazing. Sometimes good things hurt and it's ok.

Randomly this weekend has been hard. The last wings game, and our interactions with some people made me wish you were with us. ( always wish that)

It's still so hard baby boy.

Good morning my beautiful boy. It's going to be a lovely Sunday. Just missing you.

I miss you my cute cute boy!

Easter

Max I remember last year being so mad that Shane's mom did not make you an Easter basket, that it was your first easter and no one acknowledged you. Well this year, your second Easter, I have nothing for you. I did not get you a basket. I got your medical records! But I guess it's ok, because I did not get one for Alex either. I forgot, but I got her some pants. I put those in a basket.

Tomorrow is your second Easter. I love and miss you more and more everyday.