another mothers day approaching.

Max my dear dear Max.

Another mothers day is approaching. Its tomorrow. I was doing ok. Then BAM here I am a big giant emotional mess. Maybe next year will be eaiser. Next year Alex wont be new and people wont assume its my first mothers day. Max every day is mothers day, because i am always your mother. But this day that is supposed to be dedicated to me, does not see fair. Im missing one of my babys and even though I have your amazing sister, i am broken.

Max I was asked to write a letter, for UNITE. Thats the support group. Its to get donations for the non-profit. It was hard to keep it short. I could have written so much about how everything has impacted me.

This is what I wrote..........

August 16^th 2011 should have been the best day of my life, the day my son, my first born, my Max was brought into the world. Instead it was the worst day of my life. The day my first born died. He was born at 1140am and died 54mins later at 1234pm. My husband and I had several miscarriages. So after lots of heartache we decided to pursue fertility treatment. My son was an IVF baby, he was my joy. The pregnancy was amazing and I loved every moment of it.  He was full term and I was induced at 41 weeks.  I ended up having to have a c-section. He came out crying but then the silence came. I knew all throughout my body, that something was wrong. They took him away. That was the last I ever saw of Max alive.  That was the day a part of me died as well. I will never forget that moment, that feeling. As I write this my body trembles. The doctors and nurses walked in, I saw them and I knew. Because of the C-section I could not move, but all I wanted to do was run, run fast and far. Never come back. I wanted to die. I wanted to go get him. I wanted to turn back time. I wanted none of this to be real.

 My life changed forever in a moment.  

I will never be the same person I was before 12:34 pm on August 16^th. Nothing will ever be the same.  However I knew that I did not want to live the rest of my life miserable all the time. I did not want to be unable to get out of bed, avoid life I would have felt like that’s because of max. I never wanted to live that way. I wanted Max to always be a positive source in my life. I did not want Max to be the reason I can’t function. I wanted to be able to live for him. Believe me it would have been much easier to give up. At times I wanted to, and to be honest sometimes I still want to go in a hole.  But I had to fight to stay afloat and live for my baby.  I looked around for help; I called a counselor and reached out to support groups. Unite was the only one that got back to me right away. I remember the return phone call. I was standing outside in my back yard and was in shock, that I was telling someone over the phone why I was looking for help. That this was real!  I remember crying but also being comforted and knew in that phone call that I was understood. I decided to go to my first support group. I was terrified and had no idea what to expect. It was very emotionally draining, but also reliving.  It was a place I could go to where, someone would understand-Where my crazy emotions where ok.  I continued to go and almost looked forward to them. I knew whether it’s just one other person or a room full of people I would be understood. For about an hour I had a place I belonged in a world where I no longer fit in.

Unite for me was not just a support group. It was way life jacket.  I was able to meet incredibly strong families and other moms like me. Some of those mothers I am still in touch with and see on a regular basis. I have been united with a continuous support group. This struggle and grief never goes away completly.  Despite what people say time does not heal all wounds. The intensity gets easier to manage but the grief does not go away. Because of Unites support, the connection to other moms I have met. I now have a place/someone to turn to on days when missing my son seems unbearable. I know I will be understood. I know I have a place that I belong.  Because of Unites Support group and resources I have been able to not give up and keep my head above water to live-for Max.

Thank you,

Suzanne, Shane, Alex and of course Max

Oh Max something that is bugging me is..........i was given some tadpoles and I was so excited to raise tadpoles and have lots of little Max frogs in the back yard. But they all died. Im awful. I feel awful. I guess I cant control when I get frogs/toads from you.  I miss you so much. 

I hope I get a sign that things are ok right now.  a sign form you. I miss and need you.