Hi baby boy. I hope you doing well. I miss you. I wish you could send me a sign a sign that your ok. A sign that your with me. Max I love you so much.

I love you.

Tonight's a bad night:( shhhhh but I miss and love you.

Miss and love you. I'm thinking a lot about you.

I'm missing you a lot right now, I feel do sad without you. Our first family event with Alex is tomorrow. Of course they will be all about her. I wish you were here demanding attention.

I'm real worried about your sister. She has some hip problem and we have to go back to the specialist on Tuesday. The best will be us she has to wear a brace, the worst surgery. Please watch over her.

Max I just cried. Will missing you ever get easier. It does not seem like it.

I don't know if I told you, but the guy that took the photos if you after you died, well we had him come and take family photos of us and Alex. Of course you included my love

Your dad is a stressed mess and now worried about your sister. Something good needs to happen for him. I really hope he hears positive news.

Max baby I need a sign that your still with me.

Hi my little love. Please don't think I'm ignoring you. I love you. You have been such a great big brother and a huge part of her life all ready. I talk about you do much. I hope you know that. We went to a benefit for Casey today ( well yesterday ) and a friend also noticed that alex looks like you and that her hands look like yours. I loved that , she was the first person other then me of course to think that. I love how you are seen through her.
I of course wish you were here and as she grows I wonder if that's what you would look like.

I love you.

Missing you. I told your daddy and he agreed that when your sister sleeps she looks just like you, but from after you died. I don't like that and I know it scares your daddy.

I told someone else about you today. I really miss you.

Missing you. Missing signs from you. The lack of toads is getting to me. Also alex is looking so much like the day you were born. I hope you know how much I love you.

Somedays I feel like I'm going crazy. Why is grief still so tough.

mind mess

I miss you. Today has been hard and emotional. I recived a bear in the mail today that I had forgotten about. Its a bear that was made by an organization that makes bears for moms like me. They make you a bear with the same exact weight that you were when you were born. It  was an amazing suprise. It made me so emotional, but a bitter sweet type. I loved holding your weight in my arms, but I sobbed and sobbed.

Im tired today, you sister is a great sleeper during the day, which means again she will be up all night. i could try to wake her up now, but then I get nothing done. Sleep is no longer something to enjoy. I am beyond exhausted but I am also so in love. ITs only six and I feel like it is midnight.

Right now I feel very deppressed. I went backwards today. I did something I have not done in a very long time. Something you helped me with . But I could not stop myself, but at the same time, I knew what I was doing. That feeling of pushing every feeling away and down then letting it out. I feel a rush in my head. Its lovely, but its wrong. One time wont hurt. I hope you forgive me.

Your daddy is super stressed again. I feel bad, I know he needs his sleep and I hate asking him for help in the middle of the night.

Max the guy that took your pictures after you died, will be taking family photos for us. I feel sad you are not going to be here. But I know that you will be included.

Why is today so hard. I feel like a failure, I feel dejected, lonely, lost.

However there is a girl in my neighborhood who gave birth to her daughter the day after I had your sister. I was talking to her, and just blurted out about you. I felt good about it. I no longer care if it makes others sad or uncomfortable. You are my son, my first born.

I feel like a bad person because one of the reason I want to stop breastfeeding is so I can go back on meds. My mind is just not functioning. How awful am I.

Your sister is waking, I am so greatful for her. She is an amazing gift. You would have made a wonderful big brother in person. You are still the best from heaven

Love you..... I had alex in your pjs today she was so cute but I kept seeing you, calling her a he again. I have a lot to tell you. But for now I love you and wish me luck on some sleep baby boy.

Oh max baby. I assume it would be the same way if you were here. But somehow I idolize you. That because you never aged, you will for ever be perfect. i never thought that I would have been tired, overwhelmed, frustrated and and wits end. I need to remember that as I get through these first weeks/months.

But Max I need strength.

I love and miss you my perfect little boy.

Happy second Halloween. This year we would have been able to take you out trick or treating. But this year was also less traumatic for me. I love you baby boy.

I love you. I'm waiting out this depressing storm again with out you. This time though your perfect but very fussy sister is laying on my belly. You know baby I only have her because I don't have you. I have to get past that. I hate being do sad secretly in the inside but fine yo the world. No one likes a pouty person and I don't want people to look at me weird or think I need attention. I just miss you.

I'm struggling with how to be a mom. Not my love but motherhood. I struggle because I feel i should be better, less frustrated, don't complain. I should be noting but happy and completely blissful. But I'm not, I'm tired emotional and feel like a failure. Hate breast feeding and feel like I should embrace it. I feel like because I don't have you and am lucky to have her I should be better at this.

It's hard grieving and figuring out motherhood.

Max I was singing to your sister and the only song I could remember was fire and rain. I cried do much for you. Why something so simple as one lyric can put me in such a sad wave of grief.

There's going to be real bad power outage storms. Please watch over your sister it's going to be scary, the last storm like this was when you died. That was an awful time and maybe this storm is what's sending me back into complete grief.

I love you Max baby

Today is hard and I keep crying. How can it be possible that I still miss you so intensely.

Today I did not cry. But I'm missing you do much. I looked at one if your pictures after you died and it makes me so sad.

Your sister is in my arms and I type on my phone with one finger. I feel sick and I worry she will get sick. Every day I feel like she will die. I need her to stay with me. I wish i new her future. I need to keep her.

Max your daddy got an interview. Please hold his hand from heaven. He really needs this.

Also I decided we will get pictures done of alex. Pictures from the guy that took yours after you died. We will include you and I will never have family photos with out you. It was hard making the call, but I knew if anyone could understand and take your picture still it would be this guy.

I'm hoping Alex sleeps tonight so I can. I love you baby boy.

I love you. I always thought Alex resembles you, now that she is putting weight more people say she looks like you.

I love you baby boy. I cried again for you today. It's hard not to. I love and miss you.

we are home with your sister

Thank you for watching over ALex. Thank you for letting me bring her home. Thank you. Thank you for being with me during the C-section. I felt you, I felt you in me and around me. Thank you for sending me that sign today, Thank Lauras mommy as well. I have to believe that she is watching you like she promised. Its the only thing that makes sense. The way those signs worked today. There were things I did not know, that the picture of her mommys name there were signs in that, that I would have not known ahead of time. This nurse GRace talked to me about you so much. It was so comforting and peaceful. She wanted to know you. She was ok with me being so emotional with Alex. I was allowed to be a mess. But that she wanted to know about you was so nice, then I wanted to let Laura know There was a Grace who was a nurse watching over me and it reminded me of her mom. I was going to take a picture for her when I told her, but I forgot. SO today I had her again. I took the picture before I left. Her it turns out that today is 11 months exactly since her mommy died, the other name in the picture is Ruth. Lauras mommy "grace" well her best friend's name is ruth and is also a nurse. I truly believe the talking about you was a way of you and her letting me know you are ok. You are with us, you are ok with me loving your sister so much. A way of me getting a message to Laura that her mommy is ok. That somehow in this universe her promise was kept in taking care of you. That she is alive and well in heaven with you. To some it could seem so silly and simple. Just a weird coincidence. But I believe its something bigger.

Max I have been using your blankets with you sister. I know you would share. Max I am so in love, she is amazing. But I am also missing you so much. Part of me feels at peace, the other part is falling apart. I am so emotional. I want to hide your sister from the world and keep her just to me. But I try to do everything that I would have done with you. Its only fair to her. She is amazing and everything good in her brings me back to you. She looks different but has enough features to allow me to see you in her.

I love you Max

Tonight is hard and I'm very emotional. Tonight I'm really missing you but also loving your sister. I feel like I love her more because I'm missing you. I am so grateful for you, grateful that have Alex so far two whole days. I'm still scared I don't get to keep her.

I need you Max.