I miss you. Today has been hard and emotional. I recived a bear in the mail today that I had forgotten about. Its a bear that was made by an organization that makes bears for moms like me. They make you a bear with the same exact weight that you were when you were born. It was an amazing suprise. It made me so emotional, but a bitter sweet type. I loved holding your weight in my arms, but I sobbed and sobbed.
Im tired today, you sister is a great sleeper during the day, which means again she will be up all night. i could try to wake her up now, but then I get nothing done. Sleep is no longer something to enjoy. I am beyond exhausted but I am also so in love. ITs only six and I feel like it is midnight.
Right now I feel very deppressed. I went backwards today. I did something I have not done in a very long time. Something you helped me with . But I could not stop myself, but at the same time, I knew what I was doing. That feeling of pushing every feeling away and down then letting it out. I feel a rush in my head. Its lovely, but its wrong. One time wont hurt. I hope you forgive me.
Your daddy is super stressed again. I feel bad, I know he needs his sleep and I hate asking him for help in the middle of the night.
Max the guy that took your pictures after you died, will be taking family photos for us. I feel sad you are not going to be here. But I know that you will be included.
Why is today so hard. I feel like a failure, I feel dejected, lonely, lost.
However there is a girl in my neighborhood who gave birth to her daughter the day after I had your sister. I was talking to her, and just blurted out about you. I felt good about it. I no longer care if it makes others sad or uncomfortable. You are my son, my first born.
I feel like a bad person because one of the reason I want to stop breastfeeding is so I can go back on meds. My mind is just not functioning. How awful am I.
Your sister is waking, I am so greatful for her. She is an amazing gift. You would have made a wonderful big brother in person. You are still the best from heaven
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