Max I love you, let me start with that. I'm having a really hard night. I'm missing you so much. I'm feeling really low tonight. Time does not heal or make things better. Plus I feel like I'm doing everything on my own. I'm overwhelmed. Mostly I think I'm just getting sad and depressed. I have to go back to work in a week and leave your sister. I don't want your daddy's mom watching her. She has not been around a newborn in forever. But that's mean of me to deny her when she wants to help us out. I'm afraid she is not going to do what I say. Take care of your sister how I want. I'm always so afraid everyday that she is going to die. What if she does there. What if I can't protect her. What if people watching her don't do enough tummy time, or stimulate her enough. At your daddy's moms house, she can't go on the floor because her rugs smell like pee real bad. And there are dogs everywhere. I'm sure I'm being over critical. But she is not my mom. I would rather my mom. I know how she is with baby's. I trust her.
Max I'm missing you so much. I can't wait for the holidays to be over. I hope Alex does not look back and feel cheated by my lack of excitement in her first Christmas.
Today I thought wow I had a boy. It was like shock all over again that I had you and your not here. Somedays it's so surreal.
My sister from my dad sent us a Christmas card and your name was on it. That really meant a lot to me. I love when your included. I miss you. Tonight's hard. I feel numb and empty.