Angel lips

Will you come to me when I'm sleeping. Will you visit me in my dreams.Will you touch my checks with angel lips. Will you butterfly kiss me in the night. Will you whisper that you love me and tell me everything's all right.

In my every waking moment I know that your not here. I would give my last breath just to hold your little body and to pull you near.

Will you come to your sister when she's lying in your room. Will you watch her grow and whisper in the night. Can she see you even though I can't. Do you hold her hand when she's dreaming. Do you kiss her checks with butterfly flutters.

Do you know I love you. Do you miss me to. Will you hold my hand as I walk through life. Do you feel my tears as I cry.

Can you see that your daddy is breaking but try's to be so strong. Will you visit him in the nighttime when the nights seem so long. Can you visit him in his dreams, will you kiss him with your angel lips.

Will you come to me when I'm sleeping. Will you visit me in my dreams. Will you touch my checks with angel lips. Will you butterfly kiss me in the night. Will you whisper that you love me and tell me everything's all right.

Will you stay with me my baby, stay with me tonight.

Hi baby boy. Missing you. Just wanted to send you some Sunday love. Hope heaven is perfect and you are happy.

another mothers day approaching.

Max my dear dear Max.

Another mothers day is approaching. Its tomorrow. I was doing ok. Then BAM here I am a big giant emotional mess. Maybe next year will be eaiser. Next year Alex wont be new and people wont assume its my first mothers day. Max every day is mothers day, because i am always your mother. But this day that is supposed to be dedicated to me, does not see fair. Im missing one of my babys and even though I have your amazing sister, i am broken.

Max I was asked to write a letter, for UNITE. Thats the support group. Its to get donations for the non-profit. It was hard to keep it short. I could have written so much about how everything has impacted me.

This is what I wrote..........

August 16^th 2011 should have been the best day of my life, the day my son, my first born, my Max was brought into the world. Instead it was the worst day of my life. The day my first born died. He was born at 1140am and died 54mins later at 1234pm. My husband and I had several miscarriages. So after lots of heartache we decided to pursue fertility treatment. My son was an IVF baby, he was my joy. The pregnancy was amazing and I loved every moment of it.  He was full term and I was induced at 41 weeks.  I ended up having to have a c-section. He came out crying but then the silence came. I knew all throughout my body, that something was wrong. They took him away. That was the last I ever saw of Max alive.  That was the day a part of me died as well. I will never forget that moment, that feeling. As I write this my body trembles. The doctors and nurses walked in, I saw them and I knew. Because of the C-section I could not move, but all I wanted to do was run, run fast and far. Never come back. I wanted to die. I wanted to go get him. I wanted to turn back time. I wanted none of this to be real.

 My life changed forever in a moment.  

I will never be the same person I was before 12:34 pm on August 16^th. Nothing will ever be the same.  However I knew that I did not want to live the rest of my life miserable all the time. I did not want to be unable to get out of bed, avoid life I would have felt like that’s because of max. I never wanted to live that way. I wanted Max to always be a positive source in my life. I did not want Max to be the reason I can’t function. I wanted to be able to live for him. Believe me it would have been much easier to give up. At times I wanted to, and to be honest sometimes I still want to go in a hole.  But I had to fight to stay afloat and live for my baby.  I looked around for help; I called a counselor and reached out to support groups. Unite was the only one that got back to me right away. I remember the return phone call. I was standing outside in my back yard and was in shock, that I was telling someone over the phone why I was looking for help. That this was real!  I remember crying but also being comforted and knew in that phone call that I was understood. I decided to go to my first support group. I was terrified and had no idea what to expect. It was very emotionally draining, but also reliving.  It was a place I could go to where, someone would understand-Where my crazy emotions where ok.  I continued to go and almost looked forward to them. I knew whether it’s just one other person or a room full of people I would be understood. For about an hour I had a place I belonged in a world where I no longer fit in.

Unite for me was not just a support group. It was way life jacket.  I was able to meet incredibly strong families and other moms like me. Some of those mothers I am still in touch with and see on a regular basis. I have been united with a continuous support group. This struggle and grief never goes away completly.  Despite what people say time does not heal all wounds. The intensity gets easier to manage but the grief does not go away. Because of Unites support, the connection to other moms I have met. I now have a place/someone to turn to on days when missing my son seems unbearable. I know I will be understood. I know I have a place that I belong.  Because of Unites Support group and resources I have been able to not give up and keep my head above water to live-for Max.

Thank you,

Suzanne, Shane, Alex and of course Max

Oh Max something that is bugging me is..........i was given some tadpoles and I was so excited to raise tadpoles and have lots of little Max frogs in the back yard. But they all died. Im awful. I feel awful. I guess I cant control when I get frogs/toads from you.  I miss you so much. 

I hope I get a sign that things are ok right now.  a sign form you. I miss and need you. 

Please come down and send your daddy support. Please.,.I love you.

Today is good.

Max I wanted to write you because right now, this weekend Im not falling a part. Things are ok right now. Your tree is blooming. Its beautiful. The tulips around it are up. Your daddy fixed your bench, and it was a beautiful weekend to sit by it. I have been obsessed with house projects. I think that has been a distraction. Good or bad I dont know but a distraction.

Max I found out yesterday that someone donated in your name last year. I dontknow who they are. That is amazing and means so much. Max you are amazing!

Max I love you. I miss you. But today im not dwelling in sadness. Today I am ok.

Carpenter ants

Ahhhhhhhh 20 months later and I still get so upset, jealous, or I guess it's a constant reminder of loss. Even with your amazing healthy sister I'm so worked up over people being pregnant. A college friend has a boy around your age and is pregnant now. She's having a girl but someone stayed that she is truly blessed to experience both. Yes she is. But with that sentence floods me with emotion that I hope others will never experience. I feel so selfish and unkind. I'm happy for others but lost with out you.

Life is hard right now. I have to keep it all together. Always. If I don't your dad falls apart. I can't fall apart but I am, from the inside out. I feel like the tree in the backyard. It's being eaten by carpenter ants. Looks healthy and strong on the outside but slowly rotting and dying. Afraid of the wind.

Your sister just woke up. It's a 1110 pm I need to go help her. I love her. I love you

Max I continue to struggle. I'm missing you. Today you would be 20 months. My hands should be full. I should be frustrated and tired. Chasing you around and watching Alex. I wish I could let go. But I can't. I'm hurting and I'm empty.
But your sister is amazing. Because of her I have life and reason. I have her because of you. My today's and tomorrow's are dedicated to you,

Hi max.
I thought about you a lot this weekend. My heart still hurts so much. Your tree started to bloom.

Your sister gave me life again. She is healing. But sometimes I look at her and just cry. Missing you, and what it should have been. Also a friends baby who is the same age as you makes me sad but also SO happy. I look at him and see what you should be doing. It's bitter sweet, hard but still sweet and amazing. Sometimes good things hurt and it's ok.

Randomly this weekend has been hard. The last wings game, and our interactions with some people made me wish you were with us. ( always wish that)

It's still so hard baby boy.

Good morning my beautiful boy. It's going to be a lovely Sunday. Just missing you.

I miss you my cute cute boy!

Easter

Max I remember last year being so mad that Shane's mom did not make you an Easter basket, that it was your first easter and no one acknowledged you. Well this year, your second Easter, I have nothing for you. I did not get you a basket. I got your medical records! But I guess it's ok, because I did not get one for Alex either. I forgot, but I got her some pants. I put those in a basket.

Tomorrow is your second Easter. I love and miss you more and more everyday.

Missing you so much. I feel like I can't tell you what I want to tell you, and I have so much.

Love you so much!

I miss you.

Unknown Brother.

Max baby I just heard this song and fell in love. I hope one day Alex will feel this way about you

 

Unknown Brother.

 

Though I've never met you and we've spoke not a word
I'll never forget you through the stories that I've heard
For you, unknown brother, my baby's mother's in pain
Cause your soul is in heaven but your memory remains

Unknown, unknown brother
I'll meet you someday
Unknown, unknown brother
We'll walk through fields where children play

Your eyes shined bright when you were a kid
Your sisters loved you and all that you did
Big brother, big brother don't worry a bit
Your flame has not faded since the day it was lit

Your life was joy
Your mama's only boy
And when the skies are blue
Big brother, they're blue for you

We'll smile like pictures of you as a boy
Before you retired to heavenly joy

Unknown, unknown brother
I'll meet you someday
Unknown, unknown brother
We'll walk through fields where children play

Dear Max

Dear Max,

Things have been hard, but things have also been good. Your little sister is amazing, frustrating, funny, and just my hope. I love her.  But as I love her more and more, I miss you more and more. Max on face book I see people with there first babys and there first time mom joys. It makes me SO sad. I
should look at these people and just feel joy and excitement for them, instead it makes me feel sad.

Im unhapy.  Your dad is stressing me out, work is driving me nuts. I feel stuck. I feel sad, and I feel empty most of the time. the one thing that helps I can't do (run) because my knee is so messed up right now and its not getting better.

I keep thinking about what your dad wants to do. Its been stated we can't take it back.  Even though I had thought I had come to some sort of closure I guess I had not. I discovered we never will until we find out for sure. I need to stop thinking so much about who we will hurt, and start thinking about us. about you! I hope more then anything that we are wrong. I really do. However my heart tells me we are right, and your daddy is right. We need to find out and then go from there. I am aware things will change forever, and these sore, painful waves of grief will continue to become intense again (they have all ready) but I need to remind myself that no ones life has changed except for ours. we are runined for ever. You are not with me and you should be. Max if I hit someone with  my car and it truly was an accident, I still would have killed someone, and most likely would be changed with some sort of involuntary manslaughter charge. 
I need to remember those things. But for now we just want to know, thats all. 

Baby boy I need strength. I guess I was hoping that after the first year, and after your sister was born that things would be ok
things would be normal, but no I think it may be just as hard or even harder. 

I have good days baby boy I really do. But I miss you and everything is still so hard. I hope casey got to met you. 
I love you

Mommy. 

Hard

Max it's hard right now. Did something happen that could have prevented you from dying? Should you be here?
The conversation With your daddy was real hard. But I know he is right and this is what needs to be done right now. Just to be given a yes or no . Then we decide the next step.

Your little sister is 5 months old today. I love her but wow do I wish you were here.

I love you so much

Questions

Max your dad is questioning your birth, and everything that happened between that ultrasound and your delivery. I understand why. I also know he needs closure. But can we handle this? Can HE handle this. Between not getting in to residency and hating his job, can he deal? Can I deal?

What happens if there was something that could have prevented your death? It's all so hard still.

Max what should I do.
I miss and love you oh so much, your dad is also really struggling.

Everytime someone becomes a mom for the first time and have a healthy happy baby, I feel robbed and cheated! I know its not fair but thats how I feel. Of course I am happy that everything is ok, thats not what im saying. I guess what I mean is I miss you more and more everyday, and everytime someone i know has a baby for the first time and they get to keep there baby it reminds me of not having you. Thats hard. Im struggling a lot lately.

again

Max love, I just sat down to write again (but for myself and this is what came out). I love you SO much. 

Who would ever think asking someone if they have kids, or how many kids would be such a personal question. Before Max I always thought it was like asking someone about the weather. Its a normal part of the conversation, "hey how are you" Or "Whats it like outside?" was on the same lines as "DO you have any kids?" "Is this your first" "How many kids do you have?" BUT now I know. I know its a personal question, one that if your going to ask you need to be prepared to hear something your not expecting. You need to be ready to hear that maybe just maybe the person has one more child then you thought. Be prepared to hear that their child has died, that there child is in heaven. Just be prepared. Because any mom who has a child who is no longer on this earth, will tell you! They will tell you about the one you dont see. Be prepared. Also please be prepared to know that the person your asking has no problem talking about their child, the uncomfortableness your feeling is yours! We are so in love and proud of our children. We will use there name, and will always talk about them. If the person has other children, the one that has died is just as loved and important to us. If the person your asking crys, dont worry its not always a bad thing. Sometimes others kindness and interest in our children affects us in ways hopefully most don't understand. 

So when you about to ask someone such a personal question be prepared for a response you dont expect. I will love you always and forever Max.