Dear Max

Dear Max,

Things have been hard, but things have also been good. Your little sister is amazing, frustrating, funny, and just my hope. I love her.  But as I love her more and more, I miss you more and more. Max on face book I see people with there first babys and there first time mom joys. It makes me SO sad. I
should look at these people and just feel joy and excitement for them, instead it makes me feel sad.

Im unhapy.  Your dad is stressing me out, work is driving me nuts. I feel stuck. I feel sad, and I feel empty most of the time. the one thing that helps I can't do (run) because my knee is so messed up right now and its not getting better.

I keep thinking about what your dad wants to do. Its been stated we can't take it back.  Even though I had thought I had come to some sort of closure I guess I had not. I discovered we never will until we find out for sure. I need to stop thinking so much about who we will hurt, and start thinking about us. about you! I hope more then anything that we are wrong. I really do. However my heart tells me we are right, and your daddy is right. We need to find out and then go from there. I am aware things will change forever, and these sore, painful waves of grief will continue to become intense again (they have all ready) but I need to remind myself that no ones life has changed except for ours. we are runined for ever. You are not with me and you should be. Max if I hit someone with  my car and it truly was an accident, I still would have killed someone, and most likely would be changed with some sort of involuntary manslaughter charge. 
I need to remember those things. But for now we just want to know, thats all. 

Baby boy I need strength. I guess I was hoping that after the first year, and after your sister was born that things would be ok
things would be normal, but no I think it may be just as hard or even harder. 

I have good days baby boy I really do. But I miss you and everything is still so hard. I hope casey got to met you. 
I love you

Mommy.