Easter

Max I remember last year being so mad that Shane's mom did not make you an Easter basket, that it was your first easter and no one acknowledged you. Well this year, your second Easter, I have nothing for you. I did not get you a basket. I got your medical records! But I guess it's ok, because I did not get one for Alex either. I forgot, but I got her some pants. I put those in a basket.

Tomorrow is your second Easter. I love and miss you more and more everyday.

Missing you so much. I feel like I can't tell you what I want to tell you, and I have so much.

Love you so much!

I miss you.

Unknown Brother.

Max baby I just heard this song and fell in love. I hope one day Alex will feel this way about you

 

Unknown Brother.

 

Though I've never met you and we've spoke not a word
I'll never forget you through the stories that I've heard
For you, unknown brother, my baby's mother's in pain
Cause your soul is in heaven but your memory remains

Unknown, unknown brother
I'll meet you someday
Unknown, unknown brother
We'll walk through fields where children play

Your eyes shined bright when you were a kid
Your sisters loved you and all that you did
Big brother, big brother don't worry a bit
Your flame has not faded since the day it was lit

Your life was joy
Your mama's only boy
And when the skies are blue
Big brother, they're blue for you

We'll smile like pictures of you as a boy
Before you retired to heavenly joy

Unknown, unknown brother
I'll meet you someday
Unknown, unknown brother
We'll walk through fields where children play

Dear Max

Dear Max,

Things have been hard, but things have also been good. Your little sister is amazing, frustrating, funny, and just my hope. I love her.  But as I love her more and more, I miss you more and more. Max on face book I see people with there first babys and there first time mom joys. It makes me SO sad. I
should look at these people and just feel joy and excitement for them, instead it makes me feel sad.

Im unhapy.  Your dad is stressing me out, work is driving me nuts. I feel stuck. I feel sad, and I feel empty most of the time. the one thing that helps I can't do (run) because my knee is so messed up right now and its not getting better.

I keep thinking about what your dad wants to do. Its been stated we can't take it back.  Even though I had thought I had come to some sort of closure I guess I had not. I discovered we never will until we find out for sure. I need to stop thinking so much about who we will hurt, and start thinking about us. about you! I hope more then anything that we are wrong. I really do. However my heart tells me we are right, and your daddy is right. We need to find out and then go from there. I am aware things will change forever, and these sore, painful waves of grief will continue to become intense again (they have all ready) but I need to remind myself that no ones life has changed except for ours. we are runined for ever. You are not with me and you should be. Max if I hit someone with  my car and it truly was an accident, I still would have killed someone, and most likely would be changed with some sort of involuntary manslaughter charge. 
I need to remember those things. But for now we just want to know, thats all. 

Baby boy I need strength. I guess I was hoping that after the first year, and after your sister was born that things would be ok
things would be normal, but no I think it may be just as hard or even harder. 

I have good days baby boy I really do. But I miss you and everything is still so hard. I hope casey got to met you. 
I love you

Mommy. 

Hard

Max it's hard right now. Did something happen that could have prevented you from dying? Should you be here?
The conversation With your daddy was real hard. But I know he is right and this is what needs to be done right now. Just to be given a yes or no . Then we decide the next step.

Your little sister is 5 months old today. I love her but wow do I wish you were here.

I love you so much

Questions

Max your dad is questioning your birth, and everything that happened between that ultrasound and your delivery. I understand why. I also know he needs closure. But can we handle this? Can HE handle this. Between not getting in to residency and hating his job, can he deal? Can I deal?

What happens if there was something that could have prevented your death? It's all so hard still.

Max what should I do.
I miss and love you oh so much, your dad is also really struggling.

Everytime someone becomes a mom for the first time and have a healthy happy baby, I feel robbed and cheated! I know its not fair but thats how I feel. Of course I am happy that everything is ok, thats not what im saying. I guess what I mean is I miss you more and more everyday, and everytime someone i know has a baby for the first time and they get to keep there baby it reminds me of not having you. Thats hard. Im struggling a lot lately.

again

Max love, I just sat down to write again (but for myself and this is what came out). I love you SO much. 

Who would ever think asking someone if they have kids, or how many kids would be such a personal question. Before Max I always thought it was like asking someone about the weather. Its a normal part of the conversation, "hey how are you" Or "Whats it like outside?" was on the same lines as "DO you have any kids?" "Is this your first" "How many kids do you have?" BUT now I know. I know its a personal question, one that if your going to ask you need to be prepared to hear something your not expecting. You need to be ready to hear that maybe just maybe the person has one more child then you thought. Be prepared to hear that their child has died, that there child is in heaven. Just be prepared. Because any mom who has a child who is no longer on this earth, will tell you! They will tell you about the one you dont see. Be prepared. Also please be prepared to know that the person your asking has no problem talking about their child, the uncomfortableness your feeling is yours! We are so in love and proud of our children. We will use there name, and will always talk about them. If the person has other children, the one that has died is just as loved and important to us. If the person your asking crys, dont worry its not always a bad thing. Sometimes others kindness and interest in our children affects us in ways hopefully most don't understand. 

So when you about to ask someone such a personal question be prepared for a response you dont expect. I will love you always and forever Max.  

Sad

Max I feel sad tonight. A girl I want to high school with is getting induced tonight. It brings back the day I was induced with you, I was so happy that day then next morning 1140 you were born and at 1234 was when I died inside. Every time a friend is having a baby I wonder if the baby will live.
Mostly it reminds me of you and I'm lost.

Why

Hi Max. I have been thinking about therapy again. Struggling with some things again. Life is so odd.
As sad as I've been I keep thinking about Casey's service and it was said that when something bad happens to you and you say why me, you also need to say why me to every good thing as well. It has been in my head non stop. It's true I an very grateful for all the good, so then why am I sad and down.

I love you, thanks for watching over your sister.

I love you. I miss you. Today was hard, death always brings me back to you.
Say hello to case-face for me. Max you are lucky to be with her. I love you both.

I also learned of another mom who lost a baby. That always hits me hard

Casey

Max today Casey joined you in the world I dont know. She left mine and entered yours. I knew she was going to die, I know she was sick. But it still is just as hard when it happens. Casey was my friend, a very good friend to me. Max im sad very sad and I will miss her.

Welcome her for me. Show her around.

Do you know Max she wrote a story, and story with you being the main character. I hope she knows how much that story means to me.

I hate that people die. Even though Casey was my age, Im sure her mommy is broken. I feel for her, and her family.

Max give her a kiss.

Max I was also wondering if you are waking up Alex at night. If its you its ok. She wakes up on the dot at 3 am and I hear her talking and talking to her self. I like to think she is talking to you. I hope you are playing with her. I hope she can see you in a way I cant.

I love you.

I'm sorry. I'm slipping....

I had a dream about my grandmom ( yours to) it was creepy weird but yet so nice to see her. I gave her a picture if you. I miss you both, she always protected me. Thank you grandmom. I hope she is protecting you now.

Thanks

Max baby wether its a sign or not, I am thankful. I was on amazon.com searching for something and I discovered these toys from Alex jr. Then I realized they have toys called Alex jr. Mix 'n max!! You and Alex together. There is even an actually toy called max. Baby boy I miss y up so much and this really made me happier!i was kind of bitchy today, but after that I was better. There are about 10 toys in the mix 'n max line, I will soon buy them all. More for me then for your sister.
If this was from you THANK YOU!
The picture is Max and Alex is on the tail part.

Oh Maxy thanks.

Sad tonight.

I miss you so much, tonight is hard and I don't know why. I just really miss you. I wish you were here. I'm crying now little boy. You would be in your 15 month. There's not much to say except I miss you.

Death

Missing you like crazy Max baby. I feel like I have been neglecting you. I don't want you or Alex to feel like your second best. I want you both to feel equally loved. It's just that lately I feel like all my devotion is to Alex. I love you so much.

I wish I new if its true that I would see you again when I die.
Death is all around lately. The chief died. I really loved that man. I'm going to miss him. Things at work will not be the same. I had a bond with him I can't explain.
Death I think comes in 3's what scares me is who is next?
I fear death, but if its true we met again with the ones we love well then Max it will be the greatest moment.

I love you.